Mr. God Awful

On Tuesday I went to lunch with some coworkers. One of the guys in the group is so god awful annoying that I try to avoid him at all costs, but I got stuck sitting next to him this time. Lucky me!

The conversation at the table turned into discussing how people met their significant others. Since my parents have a somewhat entertaining and cute story I shared that. I then mentioned that, at the time, they were pretty opposite of one another. My mom is prim and proper and my dad has tattoos and was in a motorcycle gang. I then went on to explain that it was all a facade with my dad cause he's very sweet and down to earth and got rid of the motorcycle when he met my mom. End of story.

Mr. God Awful then leans over to me and starts with the 20 questions. One of which is "So, do you like bad boys like your mom??"

Having Relations

Yesterday I was walking around the sales floor and I saw a sign on a male co-workers desk that said the following:

The Formula
- Talk, Dinner, Talk
- Random Outing, Talk
- Have Relations

5:30 Sweets

I met "5:30 Sweets" at a restaurant in Wisconsin. I was there with one of my girlfriends drinking the biggest long island I'd ever seen. They were delicious and apparently strong because before you knew it the two boys hollering at us from their car were sitting at the table with us. I vaguely remember how this happened.

Boys: "HEYYYY!"
Us: "Hey!"
Me to Kelly: "They're cute...right?"
Kelly to Me: "Yeah! Oh wait, he's driving a Honda, nevermind"

Somehow they made their way to our table and sat down to chat. "5:30 Sweets" was the cuter of the two so Kelly had to take the grenade this time. While Kelly's boy chatted about his FBI job and how his parents are rich with a boat, I chatted with "5:30 Sweets" and somehow ended up planning a date for the following Saturday.

What happened the following days is beyond comprehension. "5:30 Sweets" as it turns out has a little bit of OTD or Obsessive Texting Disorder. Now, I like texting as much as the next person, but I have a phone as old as a dinosaur so for every word I'm pounding the keys like 20 times. Not to mention that after a few texts I feel like you should just call the person and have an actual conversation. But no, "5:30 Sweets" never figured this out. He texted me ALL DAY about nonsense. And around 7pm he texted the inevitable "Are you on Facebook?" This is how the conversation went.

5:30: "Are you on Facebook"
Me: "Yes, search under ___"
5:30: "I can't find you"
Me: "Ok, try my email at ___"
5:30: "I still can't find you"
Me (severely annoyed): "Ok, well when you do I'll accept your friend request"
5:30: "Whoa Whoa Whoa Sweets, I never said I would friend you!!"

WTF. Seriously....WTF?? At this point I stopped responding all together.
I woke up the next morning to two texts on my phone.

(at 5:30am): Are you mad??
(at 7:30am): Are you mad??

Needless to say I never went on that date.

The Sweetest Thing

I started dating when I was 15 years old. I look back and cringe at how young I was but of course at that age I thought I knew everything and believed I had the most magical relationship. I remember my criteria for dating a boy was that he had to be cute and funny...and that's it. Amazing, i know. Somehow over the years boys that were "cute" turned into "egomaniacs" and boys that were "funny" turned into "insecure, self centered assholes." Ladies, how did this happen??

I continuously dated boys until a few months after I turned 26. My long-term boyfriend and I broke up, he moved to Florida and, although it was mutual, I was heartbroken. For the first time in my life I was truly single and had no idea what to do with myself. It's important to note that for a brief moment I hated my life. However, after that pathetic pity party was over, I decided to get up, have fun and do whatever I wanted to do. I got a fantastic new job, traveled all over the world and met a ton of new single girlfriends who never said "no" to a few additional cocktails! I'm calling this time in my life the "it's all about me and no, I don't want to date you" period. 

I've now entered the "it's still all about me and maybe I will consider dating you" period. You see, I'm open to meeting someone fantastic but all the boys I'm meeting have been so very un-fantastic. I've spend many mornings looking back at the prior night and laughing hysterically with my girlfriends. I've then taken that story to friends who weren't with us, to coworkers and to Facebook in hopes that someone will explain wtf is going on here. I now bring these stories to you so that you can laugh with us, perhaps over a few cocktails! 

I love my life and I love my boys...and that's, The Sweetest Thing.